first time back on in a longgg time!!!

Well lifes going really well right now we are living at home still and dad hasnt drank my parents get along well and my dad comes to church sometimes im still praying he starts coming more.....Im over orion over him and everything he put me throughi dont ever want to be with him again idk how i got over but somehow did i quit tryingand so i got over but it feels amazingto finally not have to cry or think about him anymore well i still think about him and wish he would come to church and follow God but thats his decision and im tired of trying to help him make so he can have a great life without me in it bc im content and happy:)

awesome night!!!

Well today started out to be pretty crappy i was grumpy bc of lack of sleep lol go figure....we were at the beach for like 3 hours i got some serious sun:) i dont think it will turn into peeling hopefully just tan:)...anyway then work was blah not much to do so i just hurried to do everything i had to do and then left about 5:15 when i usally get off at 6:00...i went to orions his back was hurting him:( my poor baby:(..then tbc then after tbc back to his house we just laid there and snuggled for what felt like lil bit of time which it kinda was 9:05 to 10:10 i could have stayed there all night despite the fact my mom would have killed me!!! ahhh cant wait to be able to do that all night i love him so much more than he will ever comprehend!...cant wait untill tomorrow beach with errika maybe orion too:) but even if he doesnt come to the beach bc his back hurts then i will be sure to go over after the beach:):):) Cant wait omgoodness im so anxious i just wanna be with him all the time!! anyway goodbbye for now

Ugh im rele gettikng agervated with living at my sisters it was cool at first but now i rele just wanna go home and have my own room to go in with some privacy sick of ppl get into my bussiness all the frikin time!..Can't wait untill tomorrow beach work orions then tbc and orion is coming to tbc with me:)

TOMORROW!!!!

omgoodness i cant wait untill tomorrow i get to go see my love:) i only get to for 45 min but thats better than nothing right? im just so excited on night morning and afternoon left then i get to be with him:):):):) i really hope we talk and work things out!

confused and emotional

I dont know why but all the sudden im starting to think orion and i shouldent get back together..i want to more than anything but something doesnt feel right about it because we have our whole life ahead of us he wants to go in the military and i might be going to indiana for college so what will happen then? I'de like to be with him from now and all through college and then married and lasting forever but idk if he is capable of that sometimes i just wish i never met him or never dated him life would be so different if i never knew him as my boyfriend i could live a normal life not wondering about him almost everyday...sunday meant so much to me and i dont want it to go to nothing im so confused i just want to cry...but i cant or mom wont want me going to his house again so im just going to fight back the tears as much as i can!

Being Patient Is Hard

Well orion and are were texting last night and it went really well again and he said that he just needs time to figure out what he wants and i told him i will be patient and have faith but if he is not gunna try to do what he needs to do to be with me then he needs to tell me so i can go ahead and start ignoring what happened yesterday because the more we han g out and the more we talk to him the more im love him and so he cannot take forever to decide what he wants. I really want to go over there tonight i dont know if i should or not but if he asks im going to...i told my sister about it last night and this morning i tldmy mom with a little bit more detail she made me feel good about my decisions yesterday because she knew he treated me right untill he let his feelings get the best of him and i really want to be treated how he treats me i just want to be with him and my mom knows that i keep thinking if i leave for college next august im going to find someone who is better than orion but i dont wanna go to college for more than a year maybe two years at the most but in my heart and mind i know i dont want to be with anyone else but orion. I've used up 6 months trying to get over him and i am still not over him, heck, im still in love with him!....And i know he is still in love with me too......Well needless to say my mom told me that im 17 and i need to make this decision on my own and not let anyone else make it for me i can ask advice and base my decision on the advice but over all it needs to be my decision...which made me feel a heck of alot better too...because depending on his decision i already know what im going to do theres going to be alotta things he has to do in order to get thingsback to how they were and he knows that. I can't wait untill he makes his decision. Im not a very patient person so waiting on something like this is really hard for me to wait on. But the Lord will help me be patient and also have some faith anyway i leave this on the note that i love orion cant wait to talk to him today:)

THE BEST DAY EVER!!!!

Oh my goodness i had the best day in the world today was my birthday all i had planned was church in the morning then afternoon at home maybe take a nap then choir practice and church again lol sounds like a boring birthday right? well saturday night i went out to dinner with my 2 older sisters and my mom and to the rascal flatts concert it was frikin awesome! which is why i had nothing planned for today. But pastor preached a message in chruch wednesday night and it was on bitterness vs. forgiveness and he said alot about hating people and how wrong it is so friday i texted orions (my ex bf) mommi and i asked if i could take trinity and gabriel (orions lil sis and bro) to church with me sunday morning and she said oh yeah thats fine well when i dropped them back off at home after church i didnt plan on staying long but ended up staying the whole afternoon. It was so great the best birthday present i could have asked for..i actually had a dream saturday night that orion and i wer kissing and snuggling anf talking and it was just like old times and well today that actually happened we may be getting back together im praying and hoping so i just love him so much and missed him more than ive ever missed something before i feel like im dreaming i just want to tell someone to pinch me and wake me up but its not a dream its for real and i love it!!! I wish i was with him right now and he was holding me in his arms i want so bad to go to his house tomorrow but idk what my mom and sister will say...and i gotta know if he wants me to or not i will wait a while tomorrow and see if he txts me i hope so i just feel so loopy i was driving to my sis house took about 25 min and listening to love songs and i couldent help but smile i know i had the sweetest look on my face ive had in alonggg time....anyway comment this please i know youve read my long story about what orion did to me so give me some adivce on what to do with this situation:)

Life doesnt get any better dont u just love it when you want to go home and u get a tiny bit of hope then it gets crushed the next day when ur dad goes out and gte drunk!!!! ugh i hate my life everytime i think somethen gets better it only gets worse! kill me now please...!....anyway im so pissed right now i cant think of much else to say be back later

Bla Today

Basicly i laid around the house all morning my brother n law woke me up at 7:45am wow early for me lol. anyway hw wouldent let me go back to sleep haha which is probly a good thing.
i listened to music went on the laptop and txted alot lol brad and summer mostly :) but a few other ppl but not alot with them. I took a nap from 1:00 to 3:20....i was tired and bored. then i got up and didnt a workout thing with my sister for about 25 minutes then i got bored of that and then went for a run i only did about 3 quarters of a mile wihout stopping but i was by myself so it wasnt as fun and then i walked and ran on and off for the rest of the time i rele want to be able to run 3 miles on saturday for the 5k but im not sure i can. im going to try as hard as i can though anyway probly be back on later

so yeah let me know if u like my music :)

I really dont feel like blogging but i guess i will lol. Well last night at teen bible club was a distaster i looked ridiculous and miserable but thats ok everyone knows im going through a hard time.i left my house before teen bible club and made like 3 trips to the car with stuff my dad was sitting right in his chair in the living room watching me do it i didnt even look at him the letter i wrote him was still taped to the door so who knows if he saw it or even read it. anyway i met this awesome guy off of doulike.com he is a Christian and Independant Baptist and believes everything the same as me i love it!!!......I'm going for a job interview today to get a job from 7am to 11am monday through friday and im going to make 8 dollars a hour whoo hoo!!! :):):)......i want to talk to my dad but i dont think i can because im just so angry and emotional about everything well i dont know how i been eating i havent been counting my calories the passed 2 days but i still been watching what i eat and exersizing so ill be alright....i wish my best friend summer was here with me! i wanna go running but now i gotta go by myself:( ugh i dont like running by myself....well im waiting for my mom to get home maybe we can go to the outlet mall or something well ill be back laterr

Crying uncontrolable

Well last night i decided after my 1 and half mile run:) i would take a shower get ready for bed and call my best friend...well what i didnt know is that it would end up a big crying fest! we both basicly vented to each othe for alomst 3 hours! I'm so glad and thankful i have such a great best friend to talk to and we can bth chare our problems and have symnpothy for each other i actually was crying for her bc i felt so bad for her and helpless bc i dint now what to tell her to do and then i was crying when i talked about my problems it was a mess i felt like i couldent do anything but sit there and cry my eyes out about something i didnt know what to do about!....anyway on the bright side.....the lady my sister emailed for me wants to meet me so i called her today and were going to meet sometime tomorrow about me working for her which would be great bc i would make so much more money for college! and i would get to keep mButy afternoon job at my daycare :)...so i texted my bestfriends mom to ask if she can stay with me at my sisters house tonight and saturday night because im going though a very emtional time and i want to be with my family bu alos my best friend(she actually already told summer no a couple days ago) because she "has plans already". ugh im so sick of hearing that i wish she could just leave on the weekends and stay with me! she is 18 so her mom couldentdo anything more then yell at her and be mad about her notstaying at home to be at her moms every frikin becon call!!!! grr im so angry an upset about this..i actaully just want to call into work ,but i know thats wrong because im perfectly capable of working today so im just going to suck it up and go. I want to bring my dog to my sisters house tonight...but idk if she will allow me to

My first day at school!!

Today I am at school with my best friend. Its a little weird like i got in trouble for not having a visitors pass and the guy that aproved me to come here didnt say to go get a pass. its funny because all the adults are starring at me because she goes to a military school so im like not in uniform and i dont have my hair in a bun like the rest of the girls lol. I dont think i could survive here only because i couldent stand my hair ina bun everyday! Anyway I'll be back later! bye!

I ran a whole mile today!

Omgoodness today i ran a whole mile outside! usally i can run that much but on the treadmill and the treadmill is much easier but lately the tread mill has been getting so boring and i think i want to run outside. so theres this chip that you can get and put in your nikey running shoes and i already have the right shoes for it. anyway it hooks to ur ipod somehow and then while ur running ur ipod will tell you how fast ur running and how long you've been running i would love to get it but the chip is like 30 dollars :/...sucks but ill get over it. Im still excited about my mile that i ran :) plus ive been eating so good lately i love it! but i broke down and bought a hershys bar at publix after dinner i havent eaten any of it. i dont know if i want to eat it though after eating so good lately mymom she would eat half of it but still i dont know if i even want to eat half of it. on epiece would be fine but i dont know if i can stop at one piece and theres more chocolate in this house so if i wanted to i could keep eating even after the hershys bar. but i cant not after being so good..all day i have been wanting junk food so frikin bad but i just keep telling myself no dont do it you'll regret it and is far its working. im planniong going running again tomorrow morning or afternoon i might just run outside instead of going to te gym.

I am a cry baby today! :'(

Today has been crazy! ive cried 5 times now and im sure ive gotmore to come! all day i felt perfectly fine my parents were talking on the fone and everything seemed to be going so well. Well, i was very wrong aparently he called her later and was asking about the bills and money :/... we were eating dinner and my mom was finished so she went in the room and my mom told me earlier today that i could decide when we go back to dad so i was telling my sister i hadnt decided how long were gunna stay gone with dad being sober the whole time nad she said mom doesnt wanto live at home anymore she doesnt want to go back to him she is done. well what would u think if ur sister said that after having a happy hopeful day. i started crying as i am rght now :'( and she kept telling me to talk but i just stared at her blankly and wetin the room and he and my brother n law andy kept telling me to come back now but i kept walking and i went to my mom and asked her about it and she said who told u that and i said jennifer(my sister) and then jennifer walked in the room and my mom was like i was going to talk to you about it later she wasnt supose to tell u now. and i started crying so much more then jennifer said why are you cryingand started hugging me and i didnt k now what o say so all i said was because its not fair and she said whats not fair and i just said its not fair its not fair. what else am i supose to say? so my mom said i didnt say it was final i just said that i been thinking about it all day and jennifer told me would u want to try work things out with someone who has treated you ike crap for 29 years and i said no but....idk.... ..then i calmed down enought to call my best friend and tell her what happened and i thought about it and realized i was crying because if we dontgo back home if this doesnt get fixed then we will never be a happy family who goes to church together and who gets along and i will never have a dad to talk to me about stuff and stick up for me when guys hurt me and tell me not to wear something if it looks inapropriate. i proceeded to cry and cry then i realized my best friend was crying too ive never had a friend who cried bc i was having a hard time. now i know she is a true friend i love her so much. idk what i would do without her. it would be so much easier to commit suicide. actually right now it sounds like a nice release from his pain.dont mind me im so emotional ill say anything right now :/ anyway while i was talking to my best friend my sister came outside (where i was the entire time) and said what are u doing ? you cant come inside and talk to us so i came back inside shortly after that and told my sister and mom how i felt and cried some more i cant think about it and not cry.anyway thanks for listening to my so story.

okay so earlier when i said my sister is year older han me i meant to say 11 LOL

Today Im not sure how many calories i had but im over my eat all night thing that i had been doing which was making me feel like crap i havent had chocolate ina while except for that cookie yesterday but that was the only junk food i had all day. so i know i didnt have too many calories today and i ate sort of healthy but thats ok its weekend right im entitled to a little junk food right? lol anyway this whole next week im going to be eating super healthy im at my sisters i have to bc thats all they have! lol but thats alright it iis good for me and makes me feel good. but i havent been wanting to go to the gym lately ive been rele lazy but im gunna go tomorrow before work and go home afterwards and put my clothes away that i washed tonight and lay with my puppy i miss her sooo frikin much :( well thats all for now bye bye goodnight

Well today started out horable mom and i went home this morning just to get dressed for church and i walked in bc mom and i drove different vehicles and they were arguing ugh :/......but then my mom went home after church to get a few things she needed and my dad asked when we were coming back and she said idk bc im not living here bc i dont deserve to be treated like that.he said well im going to try to quit drinking and walked outside. so thats a good sign bc he has never said that before that i know of but my older sister who is 1 yrs older than me she said that he has said it before but it must have been along time ago but thats ok it still cheered me up bc something needs to be done. i went home after sunday night service to get more clothes then go back to my sisters house and me and my dad actually talked liked normal he told me he had just let abby (my puppy) out and i said oh well thank u for taking care of her all week and he didnt rele say anything so i was like well...anyway ill see u later bye and he said bye. but you also should know lkast time i was home i didnt say anything to him i completely ignored him and if i did speak it was rood and mean. so this is a aclomplishment right???....Anyway im happy about that. Also i thank the Lord for my youth pastor and his wife idk what i would do without their prayer and support i love them both so much!!! :)

Today went pretty good as far as my eating . I only had 1697 calories:) I'm trying to stay inbetween 1200 and 1500 so i went a lil over but thats okay. Well alot of the calories were useless ones....I need to be careful of that now!!!..... Anyway last night was absolutely awful my dad was drunk :p....I hate it i wish he would just come to church and get rid of his nasty habit. Well now mom and i are staying at my sisters house which is the first time my mom has actually did something to prove a point to my dad but over the weekend I'm going to stay at my best friends house I'm hoping that will help me with my calories and eating healthy bc i wont be around too much junk food plus I'll have someone to workout and run with. I know she will let me vent to her and be understanding about it.....I cant wait untill tomorrow is over i just want to chill out and saturday i will be able to have a awesome day of eating healthy working out and running and maybe going to the beach to tan :) well goodnite people :) !

oh! i forgot to say i lost another 3 pounds!!!!

Well today turned out to be a pretty awesome day!! i slept in untill 12:30 only because i didnt sleep good last night i was coughing alot and all stuffed up :/ but i got to spend my entire day with my best friend when iktwas time to take her home i really didnt want to plus i waited untill last minute to take her home lol now im at my sisters house..gotta drive the van for the next 3 days beacuse my brother n law is taking the car to tampa for some work he has to do :/ suck but ill get over it but anyways back to my awesome day! well i only had 1,506 calories and i hear a average for a teenager is like 1800 and i ran and worked out today so i burnded off some of that. i want to try to have only 1400 a day and it be good calroies instead of junk food calories! lol well thats all for now :)

Well today has been much better! I've ate wayy better today...Breakfast: barly green 3 chicken mini's from chick fil a and a banana. Lunch:ramen noodles and strawberries with fruit dip:) Dinner: peaunut butter and crackers and cherios desert: 2 small pieces of chocolate i know i shouldent have but im so excited bc i had self control and only ate 2 instead of the whole thing!!!! today has been the first day i have used self control like i wanted this nutella stuff but instead i put it back in the pantry and got something else that is better for me i cant believe i did it but this is like the hardest thing ever its like when im running and keep telling myself to keep going except in this case i tell myself to not start lol....anyway i cant wait to be the size and weight i want to be!!!!!!! :):):):):):):):):)

Well today started out a good day like everyday and then i ran into junk food ugh :/ and being its that time of the month i had no will power i ate so much junk food today that could have lasted me 2 weeks. I pray everyday Lord give me will power for this day im just wondering when im actually going to get the will power :/.....im so agervated at myself right now i could cry...im so sick of being over weight....not that im very over weight because im really not i just dont look how i want to look!!!.......well anyway i went to the gym today i did 37 minutes of running and and off im going to increase my time tomorrow to 42 minutes...and ive increased my walking and my running my walking is 3.7 it use to be 3.5 and my running is 4.7 and use to be 4.5 its not much but im hoping to keep increasing it as the weeks go by well im still happy about my 5 pounds but if i dont be careful im going to gain it back so im hoping and praying for a BETTER day tomorrow! i have to think of some way to just say no to junk food if anybody has any ideas please let me know!?!?.....oh im excited about my new blow dryer it work perfect for my hair now i can wear my hari down almost everyday without having to spend hours blow drying and straightening it! im hoping to go to sams cluband publix tomorrow and get all the healthy food i need to start my new diet! well thats all for now

Well today was a good day i ate good exersized good and found out that i lost 5 pounds! it took about 2 months but thats okay as long as i know im loosing i feel so happy to know that my hard work is finally paying off even after all the days of failing and eating alot or eating too nuch junk food and chocolate! SO SIKED! OMGOODNESS LOL....Well anyway now watching george lopez cant wait for another sucsessful day tomorrow!!!!....But when my parents get paid i will be able to get a blender and frozen fruit to make smoothies and were going to get carrots and apples and make juice and im going to start doing my barly max 3 times a day each tiome before i eat so i will eat less for my meals!!! its going to be great and im going to feel awesome after eating right qand loosing weight and getting more healthy!

Well my life is great but at times i feel depressed. It all started with this boy i met at church he liked me about a year and a half ago but i had boyfriend at the time so i ignored him but secretly kind of liked him. Then he quit coming to church and i saw him at the mall a year later and some how he got my number and called me and we started talking alot then he came back to church faithfully for about 2 months and kept trying to pursuad me to go out with him and i just kept telling him friends for now because i did not want to get hurt again like i did with my ex boyfriend (we were on and off for over a year) Well finally i gave in because i really liked him alot and we went out for almost 4 months and for about 3 months it waz amazing we were in love and spent everyday together morning untill night i always wanted to be with him it was the best thing that had ever happened to me besides my Salvation.Well he wasnt in school for the first 2 and a half months of us dating and he got in roled soon after that and he started talking to this girl that he use to date and all the feelings came back and it ended up he cheated on me for 3 weeks and i kind thought something but never thought he would do something like that to me but i thought wrong.well within those 3 weeks he came to church one night and had her class ring around his neck and tried to say oh were just friends it doesnt mean anything but i waz very pissed about it bc you dont wear someones class wring if your "just friends" well as far as i knew he never wore it again so i just let it go because well no one wants to believe their boyfriend is cheating on them. well needless to say he broke up with me saying "we will be back together dont worry we just need to take a brake because things dont feel the same" so i was in the middle of church when i recieved the crapp text message saying this so i went in the library at church and cried my eyes out for about a hour i felt miserable well after that i found out he had dated 2 other girls within 3 weeks i felt so stupid everyone tried to tell me stay away from him he is bad news and i tried to listen but fell for my temptation i hated myself and i wanted to die and cried everyday almost all day long for the next 3 months and i tried cuttiong myself i thought of ways to kill myself i did crazy things thinking maybe someone will take me and kill me i just couldent take the pain living life without him he was my everything. Well now its been about 6 months and im still thinking about this so i decided to blog about it and maybe it will take it off my mind im hoping anyway. I dont really cry anymore sometimes theres a tear or two i just wish we nevr broke up i miss him so much and i dont even have his friendship anymore i dont have anything to do with him i tried to be around his 5 yr old sister and 3 year old brother and his mommy bc we all love each other to death so i go over there sometimes but i had to stop bc with him being there and beign in a invironment that i once use to be held and kissed in just wasnt worth the pain and i know his younger siblings ask where i am and i know his mom wants me to come over but i just can't anymore its not worth the pain i mean i think about this all the time without even going around it and hardly talking about it but yeah....